I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
