totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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