I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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