if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
