You just made me feel so damn special
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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