if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Banned from zoo.
Again?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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