Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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