I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
