my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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