The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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