I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
