i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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