how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
