Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
