i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
