Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
