New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
