I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's blow job season.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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