ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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