I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
