my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
