you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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