I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
