I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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