he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
