And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
