I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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