dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
