After last night, I could never be a politician.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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