party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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