You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
