no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
