1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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