My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
