i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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