how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
