I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
