She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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