I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize