does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
