I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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