I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
