Porn is love you can see.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
