I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
