what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
