I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
