remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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