Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
