The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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