I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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