I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
