you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We just shotgunned beers for America
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
