You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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