im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
